Not sure why, but I have felt so compelled to write lately. Maybe it's the fact that I finally feel like my job will make a difference and my family (including myself) is truly happy. It's given me time to look back on my life and face some of those hard things that I had chosen to forget; relationships, friendships, behaviors, choices.
So much time has passed since those days, and it's hard to admit that there are still things that trigger me, that take me back to the feelings I once had. The ones that made me feel scared, and sad, and angry, and embarrassed, but mostly unable to trust.
There were so many people that hurt me and who I hurt back. So many times I swallowed that lump in my throat and dealt with the sick feeling in my stomach. So many memories I wish I could go back and change, take back and forget. It seems so far gone, but all so real...even now.
I want to let go of the guilt, the sadness, the anger. I want to celebrate the fact that I am not that person anymore and let myself be free of all those who hurt me, but it's easier said than done and I don't exactly know who can help me or how to make it happen. I worry what other's would think or how they would react if I contacted them. And I worry about what will happen if I don't ever get to tell them how I really feel. I wish it wasn't so complicated.
I hope, in time, the day will come when I am able to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made, to forgive others for the hurt I once felt, and acknowledge that I am a new person. One full of love, passion, joy, and appreciation for this life and the lessons I've learned in it...
So much time has passed since those days, and it's hard to admit that there are still things that trigger me, that take me back to the feelings I once had. The ones that made me feel scared, and sad, and angry, and embarrassed, but mostly unable to trust.
There were so many people that hurt me and who I hurt back. So many times I swallowed that lump in my throat and dealt with the sick feeling in my stomach. So many memories I wish I could go back and change, take back and forget. It seems so far gone, but all so real...even now.
I want to let go of the guilt, the sadness, the anger. I want to celebrate the fact that I am not that person anymore and let myself be free of all those who hurt me, but it's easier said than done and I don't exactly know who can help me or how to make it happen. I worry what other's would think or how they would react if I contacted them. And I worry about what will happen if I don't ever get to tell them how I really feel. I wish it wasn't so complicated.
I hope, in time, the day will come when I am able to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made, to forgive others for the hurt I once felt, and acknowledge that I am a new person. One full of love, passion, joy, and appreciation for this life and the lessons I've learned in it...